drowning for you
by Mein Liebling
Summary: In which Sirius unwittingly got married to Remus after Remus rescued him twice, Remus is a bemused non-human who doesn't understand human mating rituals, James and Peter support their homosexual friends (no homo though), and somehow the Black's being Imperialists who still refer to America as 'the Colonies' ties into this. [Also known as the Fairytale WTF!AU]


_**He said, "One day you'll leave this world behind  
>So live a life you will remember."<br>My father told me when I was just a child  
>These are the nights that never die<strong>_

* * *

><p><em>("These are the days we won't regret.")<em>

The water was cold and swept around him, pulling him, pushing him, dunking him underwater as he fitfully fought to take in deep gasping breaths of air on the surface, only to swallow water instead. It tasted bitter and alive, wrapping around him like a noose, and he alternated between pulling himself up for air, and floating underwater calmly, his eyes falling shut as bubbles left his mouth.

He wasn't too panicked. He fought for air, but that became less and less all the time. His mouth was open and the water rushed in, his eyes were closed and his hair was flowing around his face with the current. He was pulled down, down, forward, backwards, wherever the current led him. It was dark. It was cold. He was numb.

_(Black… everything was black…)_

…

He woke up.

Grass was underneath him, a rock was against his back, dirt smear on his palms, and his body was shivering despite the bright sun that leaked through the trees. His head was pounding, he felt sore and dirty, and his eyes stung whenever he looked too closely at the sun.

"…Oww." He moved his hand up to scratch his head, only to stop and stare at it instead. Thin cuts littered his skin, and it was abnormally pale, even more than normal. _What happened?_

Cold. Drowning. Water. Lots of water. Cuts?

He couldn't remember.

Grey eyes shut and he let out a breath of air. _Oh dear._

"How do you feel?"

Sirius shot up, or at least attempted to, only to find himself being held down by a boy his own age, amber eyes looking with concern at him. "Hello? Are you okay?"

"Peachy." He replied. "Uhh…"

The other nodded, and let go of Sirius's shoulders, and moved away from his side until there was a couple meters between them. "That is good. I found you in the river. Why were you there?"

He had a weird way of talking, Sirius noticed. Almost like he was unused to speaking, or maybe English wasn't his first language? Either way, it was cute.

_Now is not the time, Sirius. Keep your gay thoughts to yourself. _A voice that sounded remarkably like James told him.

"I, uh, slipped and fell in."

"You cannot swim?"

"No."

The other nodded and rocked on his heels. "That is bad. Swimming is important to know."

"Yes."

There was a pause. "Thank you for saving me."

The sandy haired boy shook his head. "Do not thank me. I'm sorry."

Sirius furrowed his brows. "For what?"

"For not saving you sooner."

He shook his black hair out of his face. "Dude, you couldn't have known, and you saved me before I was dead, and I feel pretty alright right now. I can't thank you enough. I'm Sirius, by the way." He stuck out his hand, the scars still bleeding sluggishly, but he hoped the other wouldn't notice.

He was still hesitant. "If you are sure." He took the hand without glancing at it, although he was sure he noticed when his palm came back smeared with red. "I'm Remus."

"Thank you, Remus."

Remus gave a half smile, before beginning to walk back into the forest. "You're welcome."

Sirius watched him go with steadily blurring eyes, his view becoming hazy until he drifted off, unaware as Remus slinked back into the dark overgrowth.

He knew nothing.

* * *

><p><em>("You came into my crazy world like a cool and cleansing wave.<br>Before I, I knew what hit me baby you were flowing through my veins...")_

"Sirius, mate, I don't know who you're talking about."

Sirius scowled. "His name's Remus, he lives in the forest, I'm assuming. He's got brown hair, or maybe kinda sandy? I dunno. He's got amber eyes-"

"Getting pretty intense here, Padfoot."

"_Shut _up Prongs. Anyways, he had a big scar on his face along with a bunch of little ones and he seemed around our age."

James scrunched up his face as he thought, his glasses slipping down his nose precariously before he pushed them back up. "Now that you mention it…"

The Black heir leaned forward. "You know of him?"

"Not one bit."

Sirius leaned back in his seat, grunting. "You are such a tease, dude."

"And you are such an American. You are a shame of your Chinese ancestors, young man." James grinned, wagging his finger. "Why do you want to know of him anyways?" he paused. "It's because he's cute isn't it. Sirius, you raging homosexual-"

"Bi, Jamie, bi." Sirius threw himself back on the couch and let out a small sigh. "You remember how I got lost in the forest like three days ago?"

"Uh, duh."

"Well he helped me get out of there."

"By doing what?"

"…Leading me."

James narrowed his eyes. "You're not telling me something."

"I don't tell you a lot of things, James. The last time I told you something; _Snape _came up to me and asked if it was true that I sometimes still bedwet. I don't bedwet!"

"What you described sounded an awful like bedwetting…"

Sirius sighed. "Whatever. Forget it. You're no help."

* * *

><p><em>("Hey, once upon a younger year<br>When all our shadows disappeared  
>The animals inside came out to play.")<em>

"God-bloody-dammit." Sirius complained as yet another branch smacked him in the face. "He wouldn't be in a nice spa, or cupcake place. No. It had to be in the middle of the god-forsaken _Forbidden Forest." _The leaves prickled at his skin and mud stuck to his boots, making it hard to pull them out of the ground. He scowled and continued unhappily making his way deeper and deeper into the forest, towards the river he had nearly drowned in.

"The best way to find him is to reverse my steps." He reasoned. "But I have absolutely no idea where he found me."

His foot caught on a rock, and he comically waved his arms to catch himself on one of the nearby pesky branches (which, of course, at the moment he needed them were not there, those awful pieces of wood) but instead fell headfirst into the water.

_Are._

_You. _

_Serious._

Pun was absolutely not intended at that moment.

…

"Oh my god. Worst idea ever." Sirius rubbed the back of his head and tried to center his eyes on one point, only to have his surroundings continue to conga around him unhelpfully.

"I must agree. Do you drown yourself on purpose? I have heard that people do that, but why I am uncertain."

Sirius snapped his head up, only to groan and rub his temples. "Bad idea." He muttered. "Remus! Didn't see you there."

Remus quirked a brow. "Obviously." He leaned forward to get a better look at Sirius. "Are you alright?"

"Uh-huh, absolutely sparkling. Dandy. Never felt better."

"…Okay." Remus pivoted on his heel and walked back towards the forest. Sirius pushed himself onto his feet (oww) and started towards him.

"Remus, wait!"

Amber eyes stared at him, confused, as Sirius stalked towards him. "Uhm, is there any way I could thank you? Like, this is the second time you've saved my life. Is there anything I can do? Give you flowers? Chocolate? My first born? Hand in marriage?"

_Way to be subtle, Black._

Remus looked at him, wide eyed, and shook his head quickly. "No! No! That is not necessary! I don't need anything."

"You sure? Not even like a back massage or something?"

Remus continued shaking his head. "I am fine."

Sirius wilted slightly. "Alright then."

Remus started towards the woods again. "Hey, would it be alright if we like, hung out sometime though? I could introduce you to my friends. James and Peter, they would love you."

Sirius could see the hesitation pouring out from Remus, and he had absolutely no idea why.

"…Maybe. Will you meet me here in a week?"

His heart leapt. "Sure! Of course!"

Remus gave him a small smile and left.

Sirius hoped he didn't see the first pump.

* * *

><p><em>("Hey, went face to face with all our fears<br>Learned our lessons through the tears  
>Made memories we knew would never fade.")<em>

"Remus, I want you to meet the bane of my existence, James. James, meet my map, Remus."  
>Sirius introduced the two.<p>

Peter snorted. "'Map'?"

"He gets lost a lot." Remus explained.

James and Peter gave him a _look._ _Sirius you ridiculous child._

He stuck out his tongue at them. "Well, since we're all introduced now, I would like to start with my main concern." He turned to Remus. "We need to get you to stop sounding like you're from the seventeen hundreds."

Remus looked puzzled. "I do?"

"Mate, you sound like the dream child of my parents." James told him. "They would love you. However, that is not what we're going for."

Peter nodded. "Repeat after me- whatever."

"Whatever."

"No, less dignified. Whatever."

"Whatever."

"Whatever."

"Whatever."

"Try and sound like a mainstream American in their prime." Sirius told him.

They gave him another look.

"It works for me."

"Whatever."

They repeated the word for a solid minute before James shook his head. "It's useless boys. He sounds like one of Sirius's Imperialist parents."

"We could try another word?" Peter suggested.

"Dude." Sirius nodded.

"Dude?" Remus repeated. He alternated between confused and amused for the most part, as the four of them laid out on the grass of the small area Sirius had woken up in a week previous.

"Dudeeeee."

"Dude."

"Dudes."

"Dudette."

"That's right, can't be sexist."

* * *

><p><em>("When thunder clouds start pouring down<br>Light a fire they can't put out  
>Carve your name into those shining stars.")<em>

"So, Remus, where are you from?"

Remus shifted. "I live in the forest."

"Nice. You must know it well then."

He inclined his head. "I do."

"Do you live with family?"

"I- yes, you could say that."

Sirius handed him a drink. "That's neat. I live in a stuffy old manor with stuffy parents and a too afraid to rebel younger brother."

"Who are imperialists, I hear." Remus added with a smile.

Sirius nodded grimly. "Indeed. They're a bit nuts."

Remus laughed lightly. "I figured."

_Oh my god I am in love with this guy._

_In love._

_Holy shit._

Sirius didn't let his inner thoughts show on the outside. "So, you like living in the forest? I mean, obviously things are different."

"I do. It's very calm and relaxing, I can go anywhere I want. It's very open. I like it. Although our customs are different, I see."

"Different how?"

"I was told that humans marry young, but your courting is very strange. I didn't know that humans 'wooed' each other by giving etiquette lessons. It's a bit strange."

_Wait a minute._

_Humans._

_Like he isn't human._

_God if he isn't human-_

_Why do I think that's hot._

_Sirius._

_SIRIUS._

_Focus. Focus on the fact that he's talking about human mating and courting rituals. Sirius._

_Oh good it's sinking in._

"Human?" Sirius croaked.

Remus paused. "Yes. I admit, getting married so suddenly wasn't how I imagined it, but this has been rather entertaining at least."

"Married?"

"When you offered gifts, that was your offer of marriage, wasn't it?" He furrowed his brow. "And then you showed me your friends. That was a marriage proposal, wasn't it?"

_Well now it was._

_I'm sure not complaining._

"Uh, not originally. But sure! I'm totally okay with this. Seriously."

"I'm assuming the pun was intended?"

Sirius gave him a grin. "No, but you're getting better at noticing that."

Remus smiled.

_This will all sink in in like two minutes but I've got a hot non-human as a husband._

_All my dreams have come true._

_Would this be considered a shot-gun wedding?_

_How badly will this piss off Mum and Dad?_

_Remus is so cute. Oh my god._

"Hey, want to celebrate my knowledge of knowing we just got married by making out?"

"'Making out'?"

"Let me show you."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Written at like 11 oclock at night because no time tomorrow. Curse you storm. Curse you ballet.<strong>_

_**Curse you pirate ship battles like why could you do it Friday srsly.**_

_**I don't own hp.**_


End file.
